I can always tell when someone is at my door because my dogs go crazy barking at them.  I like to think it’s just their way of welcoming visitors, but let’s be realistic.  Dogs don’t do that.  A little bit ago, my dogs went nuts and I figured it was the UPS man (Dean) dropping something off for me.  A minute later my son Jake came into my room.  “Uh, Mom, the CIA or something is at the door.”  WTF?  This can’t be good.  I had a feeling, and my instinct was dead on.  The Mormon missionaries were at the door.

The thing about Mormons is that they love to have you as part of “the club”.  They are so open, welcoming and friendly.  The problem is that once you are in their club, they don’t like letting you out.  Certainly they aren’t going to do so without a fight.  I have fought this one for going on 20 years.  Apparently it’s still ongoing.  I put on a happy face and went to the door where the 2 fresh-faced boys were standing. They shook the living **** out of my hand.  (I’m pretty sure they learn how to do this in the MTC (Missionary Training Center).  I give them the best “I am so happy and full of joy what could you possibly do but ruin this for me” face I had.  I really did.  They still weren’t buying it.

After a good solid 10-15 minutes of a “brief message” from God, (which essentially said that God is in charge and he does know what he is doing) they asked me if I needed anything from them.  (Would it be rude to say “how about you get off my porch you uninvited oafs?”) but I graciously said I was doing super well and I appreciated their visit (OMG, the lies we tell to be “nice”!) and needed to get back to work. 

One of the missionaries asked me if I knew of anyone who might benefit from a visit from them.  Are you serious?  I thought for a moment and realized that no, there really wasn’t anyone that I was that mad at today.  I took their card and said that if I thought of anyone I would be sure to let them know.  I was then told that faith in Christ can help me resolve my personal and family challenges.  I let them know how much I appreciated that, and hoped they had a nice day.  PFFT!  Really. 

I wonder if it ever occurs to Mormons that people “on the outside” can be and truly are…happy.  I am so over feeling guilty about dumb stuff that doesn’t matter.  If I am going to feel guilty about something, then give me a good reason.  It better not be that my shorts were too short or that my shoulders were showing or that my beverage has caffeine.  I don’t think God cares about such nonsense, personally.  The missionaries left, probably disillusioned that the smiling happy lady wasn’t interested in their message and didn’t want to book a return visit.  There’s a good reason for that.  I’m out of the club, boys…and in case you haven’t heard…I’m really very happy.

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